Something Like A Rant?

... Something I need to let off... I have a lot of problems. A lot of hurt feelings. And I need to say them now before I can ever hope of moving on.

Maybe I won't get any readers, but it would mean a lot of I even got one comment acknowledging my pain.  

I don't know what was it that brought me to join deviantART a near two year ago, but when I joined, I had no idea how much good I would get from it. I met so many people who changed my life. Some for good, others for bad. 

There's a lot of problems with my life. I struggle with depression sometimes (same as my mother) although I try to put on a smile and act like I'm alright and that everything's fine- when in a sense- it really isn't. I hate burdening you guys.

In the journal, I'm going to complain and complain because I've had it. My life is a wreck and I never even made it that way- I was born with little to nothing besides the belife that Christ is watching over me (which these days I'm losing faith in).

I was born poor. I know a lot of people are. But I never was given the privileged of having my own cellphone, game console(s)/video games, laptop, etc. And everyone in my school had these things and then some. I was usually the odd kid who drew comics of stick-people killing each other when I was depressed. Hell, there was this one funny time in early 2006 where I was called to have "special attention" with a certain mental health teach after one of my Ax-Murderer comics was found by my 4th grade teach. Funny stuff! You know what I was given in life? A false sense of security in my own extended family- who at the end, did nothing but try to destroy what little I already had. 

Every spare dollar I ever made/make always goes to mainly one thing- gas money or any other family support. I have no college fund, I don't have spare money. Not through even commissions. I have so little chances in life, it's HILARIOUS! And I have this ex-girlfriend who -at the moment- has been trying to guilt trip me into reconnecting with her after ALL this bullshit drama! 

I broke up with FlameTehLucario (Private life + Public Announcement = Never cool, I know) As much as I hate to be public about something like this- it's eating me alive. I thirst to SCREAM it. For the last week I've been in emotional limbo because of it. Why did I break up with Flame? Because- well... it's really complicated. But the main reason was how false and unrealistic our relationship felt at the end of the day. She ranted to me about a lot of things a few weeks ago and I never felt the same. I lost hope, I lost the touch, I lose the lust, I lost the Love.  Now I'm alone (relationship wise) and it hurts a lot, every day I'll be reminded of her in SOME way and it'll hurt! Do I REALLY have to leave deviantART because I'm always reminded of her!?  No... I'm not going to leave this place because of her. No fucking way. But that's not even my biggest problem right now.  It just hurts so bad, I feel like the relationship wasn't even real. Was it all bullshit!? SERIOUSLY!? I don't even know anymore. I don't even want a girlfriend at this point, I just want to be single and alone now.  Fuck it.

I draw good, because I'm poor. Because I never could afford a game console to play Pokemon games. I draw because I like to draw, but I wouldn't be as good if I could afford distractions like XBox360, PS3, drugs, lots of movies, etc. I was given SO little and through it, I made myself a life online. A respectable enough DeviantART user. I know I can draw because I don't need to look at a certain picture of something to draw another. I know I'm not the best, but damnit, I can draw! And I'm GONNA get better. That's how it goes. There's NO TALENT to art! It's all practice! Anyone with the tenacity and lust to draw CAN DO IT!  I say this in ALL honesty! It doesn't take 1,000 dollars in Photoshop Crap to make art- it just takes imagination and a piece of paper and pencil.